The networks have announced their new shows, and I’m so psyched. This looks like a great coming season!

First, there’s the Fox line up, featuring, “The Sarah Connor Chronicles,” about Edward Furlong‘s mom from the “Terminator 1, 2, 3” movies. She’s the mother of the world’s savior! What could be better? Wait, I know! A show actually about the world’s savior. Why do I wanna watch a show about his mommy? I already know what happens to her. I saw the frickin’ movies!

But if that tanks, and it will, you could turn to Julianna Margulies latest venture. Fresh and hottie off the Sopranos (did you have work done, Julianna??), she’ll try again to prove that she didn’t make the world’s biggest mistake when she jumped off the good moneymaker ship of E.R. and onto the film Ghost Ship (and similar dismal failures). Will “Canterbury’s Law” finally vindicate her? Answer: No. Case closed.

And because two law shows are better than one, ABC is also offering a lawyer drama–“Dirty Sexy Money–where Peter Krause (of Six Feet Under) is a lawyer for a venal corrupt family who zzzzzzzzz.

Hm? Oh, sorry. Fell asleep there. Where was I?

I also won’t be watching “Cashmere Mafia,” a show about girls in love in a big city created by Darren Star. No, that’s not a misprint. Darren, creator of HBO’s hottest sitcom ever, is bringing back “Sex In The City,” only now it has a lamer title and it’s on a
lamer network. Great idea! Without the cursing, edgy sexual references, and nudity, we can focus on the real meat of Sex in the City! Next!

If that isn’t enough estrogen for your primetime, you could always check out The Bionic Woman. If there’s nothing (and I mean nothing) else on, I might tune in. But I’ll have to do it quick because it will be cancelled before 7 episodes air. I’d be willing to bet $ on it.
In fact, I’ll give two-to-one odds right now. Any takers? Didn’t think so.

ABC will also offer “Pushing Daisies,” about guy who can touch dead people and reanimate them, but not in the cool, gross, talking-rotting-corpse kinda way). He does it to bring back his girlfriend. The catch is if he touches the dead people a second
time, they go back to being dead. Get it? He brings her back but can’t nail her. That’s even better than Sam and Diane’s forbidden love! Oh, no it isn’t. This is yet another show not for men. No real guy is interested in a superpower that can’t get him laid.

Actually, it’s not a show for women either; the romance is essentially necrophilia, and mostly men, not women, have that kind of fetish in the first place.

So far, not a single show geared to guys. And it’s not just dramas that skew female. New comedies include Sam I Am, starring Christina Applegate, which is basically My Name Is Earl with a hot chick, and Miss Guided, about a high school guidance counselor (Ha! That sounds funny!).

Rounding out the only-women-over-the-age-of-thirty-watch-T.V. schedule is Private Practice, the spinoff of Grey’s Anatomy. I can’t comment on this because I’ve never seen GA. And don’t intend to. Ever.

Is there anything for guys? Well, there’s the 30-minute ad for Geico (“Cavemen”) and a show about, and titled, “Carpoolers.” These shows are about–! Wait. Sorry. I just got an e-mail. These shows are already cancelled.

NBC is trying to get guys on board by offering “Life,” a cop show with a title that generates all the excitement of going to a 9-t0-5 job and coming home tired. They’ll also give you “Journeyman,” a new sci fi show that will suck, as well as “Chuck,” about a nerd who is also a superspy. Didn’t they already try this when they tried to sell a show about those three geeky guys from X-Files? I’m sure Chuck will have all the same success. Also on the geek front will be “The Big Bang Theory,” starring two smart guys who can’t get laid. Between Chuck and Big Bang, we can see the same story as a comedy or as a
drama. That worked out so well with two shows based on Saturday Night Live, didn’t it?

Most promising for guys is “Viva Laughlin,” about murder and gambling and starring Hugh “Wolverine” Jackman. All right! I can’t wait to– Oops. Back it up. It’s a musical. A musical!? Next!

Well, at least Buffy’s Angel is coming back. CBS offers “Moonlight,” in which a young male hottie vampire works the streets as a private dick and hates other vampires.

And NBC isn’t happy with just offering new crap. They’re gonna crap up the old stuff, too! There will be extended, larger orders of “The Office,” and several of them will be an hour! Because if a half-hour is good, a full hour is even better! (But compare the original King Kong to the three-hour craptastic remake.)

And “Heroes” will be diluted with six “Heroes: Origins” episodes, each focusing on one character. Now, I think “Heroes” is a fine show and all, but are any of those characters interesting enough to hold you for 60 minutes? (Answer: No. They’re not.)
That leaves the CW lineup. One word: fuggedaboudit.

Okay, so I started by saying this post was full of good news about the schedule. Where the hell is the good news? Here it is:
I don’t have to reprogram my DVR!

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